okay, i've decided not to care anymore. =) say anything you like.

did some thorough thinking last night in bed. realised.. getting mad and pissed off wont get me any further. i mean, what can i do anyway? it's your mouth. i cant control it. so, yeah. whatever.

school was shit, as usual. it's halfway of term 3 alr. i'll be sitting for finals soon, i dont really know how i can handle it. i had a STRONG motivation last year. not any this year. =( i dont believe 7 months is almost over, yet nothing changed. it's just weird. everything is still the same. sigh. =( i dunno if i should seek help for my stupid depression. i hate my negativity. my attitude has changed so much. i look at everything from a pesimistic view. huh. what happened to me?

learning lab was hysterical. this stupid woman, NICOLE WONG, keeps saying the dumbist shit and making me laugh until i cant stop. we're like the two freaks in class. almost everyone is solemn most of the time, and we're giggling away like two mad idiots. there're 5 guys and one cedar girl in our class. talked a lot of shit today, haha. and we started scrutinising everything. LOL. that woman started it. hahaha. and suddenly everyone's habits seemed comical to us. laughed like hell, so we went to the toilet. on the way out, she pointed at this primary1- looking little boy and started going weak with laughter. what shit?! omg! so her contagious laughter passed to me, and we laughed ALL the way to the washroom. AHAHAH. and went back to class, started laughing agn. what the hell man. went to espirit after class, then at the pick-up point to wait for our mums. =)

okay i've been saving this the whole fucking day alr.

FUCK YOU MAN!

THINK WHAT, WE WONT KNOW IS IT? HAH! USE YOUR HEAD LA OKAY. BITCH. WILL THIS EVEN DO YOU ANY GOOD?! I THINK NOT! BLOODY SHIT. FUCKING TWO-FACED MONSTER. AND YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE WILL KNOW I HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE HYPOCRITES. AND THERE YOU ARE, HAPPILY BACKSTABBING. GOOD LA. VERY GOOD. I THINK THIS HAS FUCKING ENLIGHTENED ME. THANKS MAN. NOW, COS OF THIS. I DONT WANT IT BACK ANYMORE. YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND CARRY ON, I DONT WANT TO CARE ANYMORE. BLOODY BITCH. I CANT STAND IT, I REALLY CANT. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. AND, THE WORST THING IS, I BELIEVE YOU NAIVELY EVERY FUCKING TIME. HOW DUMB AND GULLIBLE CAN I GET?! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER. DONT WANT TO DO IT THEN DONT LA. I CARE AH. YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD YOU KNOW. BIG MOUTH ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU.

thanks for acting like you cared.

yay.finished emath hw. not a lot actually. i think this part of trigo's fun. =)

chem was horrible. even though i DID study for it. it isnt fair. when i DO study for sth, it turns out to be extra difficult. and now. there's geog to study for. WTH?! it never freaking ends.

didnt dance during dance. haha. my nose. AGAIN. sat there with kailing. then we went to behind the classroom black to take photos and stuff. then we called annabel dana and jana. 5 of us danced there. did the shake item. and more pics! haha dana said my eyes were dreamy cos i had flu. haha! and at least 5 ppl thought i was crying, cos my eyes were red and watery too. lol. esp joce! hahaha. when she turned ard to pack her bag she saw me and looked shock. HAHA. she went "steph are you crying?!" HAHAHA.

yeah, so we spent abt an hour behind there. it was fun. i feel like it's been so long since i had dance practice with jana. haha.

hmmm. =(

=(
think i'm too depressed alr. that's not good. there isnt one day the past few months that i dont feel sad at all. what's wrong with me? i seem to be looking at everything from such a negative angle, never seeing the bright side of anything at all. even though i know there are many things i can feel grateful about, yet..i seem to push it out of my mind, and continue wallowing in self-pity. which is what i despise a lot. usually. i cant stand ppl who pities themselves. but now, here am i, doing it. god. i hate what i'm doing to myself. i want to stop so much. but i cant seem to.

gave up trying to study chem. it's too hopeless. i managed studying the periodic table. started on mole concept, but i stopped almost right away. i seem to keep looking at numbers. and i dont get it. HATE doing what i dont understand. it gets me irritated and stuff. =(

stayed back after school for dance ytd. carnival day is on friday? that's so soon. i'm not even sure of some of the steps yet. borrowed steph yap's rain soaked pe shirt. haha. had no other choice. i dont like wearing the blouse. spayed it with body mist and aired it under the sun behind the classroom block where me and annabel sat to talk while waiting for dance to start.

after dance, we sat in the school void deck chatting then headed to spc. sat in a corner and talked. dana annabel shihua iisnat gnat and me. =) let out some stuffs. the usual things. went on for an hour plus before they had to leave. so i took 76 home. and slept on my room floor when i got back. woke up only at 7plus.

didnt do flag day today. decided i was too lazy plus ytd night my mose was acting up. ahh.
why do i feel like no one's there?

TODAY was a stupid stupid stupid stupid irritating day. i can just scream. bloody shit.

the day started off fine. good, in fact. it was raining when i got up. i was happy abt it. rain- NO ASSEMBLY.=) met joce at the bus stop. waited for nic until i got her msg which said she'd be going in by the main gate. so me and joce headed to the classroom. lessons were boring, as usual. whatever. dumbass.

THEN RECESS CAME. i didnt have to see that. i know i didnt. but i figured why i turned my head just to look. it's cos i didnt wanna leave it to my imagination. which, will be much much much worse. but i felt rotton after seeing. i can blame it on everyone else, but i know that it's all cos of me and my dumbass stupidity. brilliant.

just tell me- is it worth it? if it is, please do sth. if it isnt.. whatever. used to living this shit anyway.

LOL. decided to blog on each other's blog. i feel so FREE after two CAs. dammit. it's not good. how can i let myself go easy so soon when there are still freakish more CAs to come... ugh. ahhh wth. i wasted the whole of today anyway. and i dont seem to care. haha, good. at least SS is over, i wrote so damn much and i dont even know if what i had written is what they want. busted. i wish i could be less longwinded. grrrr. im only making my hands ache. hell.

oh and guess what. joce and i were booked because we drank BARLEY SEEDS. OMG. can you believe it?! the stupid metal rod holding our barley drinks between our tables can miss lenny's eyes in class but it cant miss her eyes while we we were walking out of the class with it AFTER SHCOOL. god. what bullshit. and she freaking made us go look for a prefect and BEG her to book us. HUH! like, "can you please book us because we drank BARLEY SEEDS". yeah, we said that. Lenny forced us to, wth can we do. we had to bring the prefect to her and she just had to see us get booked. wtf. seriously, it's just barley seeds, what can we do if we were just trying to suck up the BARLEY WATER and a few innocent seeds went up the straw into our mouths along with the water. should we spit the seeds back out? what harm can a few seeds do, really. i think it just thrills her to see people get punished. LOL. i dont really care about getting booked,.. but the pleading to get booked part is just weird,.. especially when it's because of a few harmless barley seeds. lololol.

i went shopping today! YEAH EH! spent about close to 300bucks in Zara. YAY. but i shall stop spending for awhile huh,.. gotta learn to be less spendthrift. grrrahhh. im always saying it,.. but do i ever listen to myself. NO. i listen to my bloody heart which cannot resist temptation at all. ASS.
OOH...! i cant wait for THE LAKE HOUSE to open. uhuh! im so definitely gonna watch. KEANU REEVES. he's really handsome. haha.
LOVEYOU steph and joce. ;)

it's so damn true, i cant face up to reality.

today is SUCH a BORING day. =( tuition was cancelled, so i was cooped at home all day. studied in the morning. just read through ss. ugh.
here're the pics! me and nic on thursday before tuition and the kiddy slide thing. HAHA.


































view from the top. =)


gahh. bloody bored. somebody help me please. there's nothing on tv. nth online, nth to do at ALL. =( i was watching a few episodes of zack and cody on youtube. but i stopped. didnt even get to send gen off. wow. she's been here for one month and we didnt do much. pathetic.
when will it happen?

had tuition in the morning, then after that, did flag day. tiring, plus annoying. i just hate it when ppl dont even look at me, or pretend to be DEAF, or WTH, take one big round just to avoid. wtf? arrived the moment joce left. so me and nic walked ard the same place asking for donations. hm. finished abt 3 pages of stickers then it was 5.30 alr. returned the cans and wandered ard while waiting for my parents to fetch me. there was this food fair nearby, so we bought corn. then walked to the kiddy's funfair. decided to be the world's greatest retards, went on the blown up slide. it's gigantic, the type you can bounce on. haha. we bought the coupons after contemplating for so long. we were laughing continually, gasping for air as we ran to the slide, took off our shoes, gave our coupons, and climbed up the slide's ladder. we were wearing socks, so it was slippery. LOL. omg so freaking funny. we kept sliding down HAHA. then when we reached the top, i dared not slide down. it was too high. lol. so i asked nic to go first. she slided down like 10 cm before stopping, and bounced all the way down. LOLOL. cos the friction was overwhelming. so i slided down too. we held on to each other and bounced all the way down. LOLOLLLLLLL. OMG. i felt like SUCH a retard. LOL. went agn. laughed so much man! then i ran to get my camera and the lady took pics of us continuously. i'll upload them soon. HAHA. decided to try different ways of sliding down. i was too scared to go headfirst. lol. got a skinburn halfway cos of the friction. after 10 mins, she chased us out. we had quite a number of parents staring up at us. think they were thinking why two sec3s i uniforms are on a KIDDY slide. HAHA. was damn embarrassed, but somehow, i couldnt care less. LOL. walked to the bubbletea shop and got an iceblended before my parents fetched me. went to safra for dinner, LOVE THE BREEZE. =)) then went to a fish shop, for my bro to get another fighting fish, cos his other one died. haha.
but i dont dare.

OMG, I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF WTFHHHHHHHHHHHH. I CAN JUST FUCKING DIE RIGHT NOW. I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND EXERCISE 9.1 OF FUCKING FUNCTIONS, AND THE FUCKING TEST IS ON MONDAY WTHHHHHHH. FUCKING SHIT. RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. CVOUISTYFUAGVUAYVFAVAYFVAVUS

WHATEVER. TO HELL WITH FUNCTIONS. IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.

oh, AND to make matters worse, tasha's not sleeping. =((((((((((((
just now at the vet i was close to tears. didnt know what to expect. it was my first time that i experienced this. i was scared to lose someone i love so so so so freaking much. AND that feeling suck. my dad dropped me off at the vet after tuition, then he parked the car and walked over. i didnt know how to feel. realised i forgot to ask what's the rate of her coming out.. you know. alive. =\ but turned out she's alright. it was an awfully long wait for tasha to come out. manymany flashbacks of the alive and kicking tasha came running through my mind. =( when the vet carried her down, she was whimpering so much. =( could tell that she was very weak. the vet, who's the nice british lady said she was drowsy cos of pills. ohman... when i looked at tasha.. it's like, i could feel her pain. teared like hell. i was so scared. tasha was shivering like mad. i saw her bigbig bruise on her underbelly, OMG,,,, i cant stand it. her pain.. =(((( couldnt figure out how to carry her back to the car. evetually just held her to me. she was i think,crying in the car all the way home. or moaning in pain. =((((((( her voice was so pained and sad. i was so scared.... omg,.. ajkgdvgajgadvj. WHY must this happen to my dog man. and now. she's not sleeping. GAH. i feel so sorry for her... i wanna take care of her all the time.. she looks so pityful.. ohman. i love her. actually i dunno wth i'll do without tasha. =( i'm just freaking thankful she made it. phew.

wtf? why is EVERYTHING freaking ruining our freaking plans? omg. this IS IT, huh. GAHH. =(((((((((((!!

So I wait for the day to take the courage to say how much I love you.

all i have now are dreams of you.
and i cant stop thinking abt them.

HAHA. guess what? i used to take organ class last time. i didnt even know! until my dad told me today during dinner cos he commented sth like, me and my bro isnt musical talented. hur. then i was saying why didnt he force me to learn sth seriously? hahaha, then he told me i used to go to organ class but i cried cos i didnt wanna go? lol. forgotten all abt it. i must've been in kindergarten that time. hmm.

BLEAGH. everyday's a boring HOT HUMID DISGUSTING WEATHERED DAY. irritating. wish that one day, singapore would just start snowing. lol. i'd be happy like shit. whatever. not like it's ever gonna happen. rahhh. stupid country. and education system. joce said her teacher told them that during oral, if we're asked our opinion abt the government or the country, we're supposed to SUCK UP?!?! wtfh? then what shit opinion? dumb shit. ugh.

i'm BORED. dammit. presented drama today. hur. as usual, embarrassed myself. is there ANY presentation when i can be calm and composed? appearantly not. i'm too self-concious alr. hmm.

i wanna be HAPPY agn.

haha, those two assholes came over today. =) supposedly to study geog, but do you think we did? NO. damn. the three of us have TOTALLY different ways of studying. NIC needs music blasting in her ears. at the rate she's going, she might as well chop off her ears and get over with. either ways, she's destroying her ears. haha. JOCE recites to herself so loudly, i can hardly hear myself THINK. =( so we gave up, and started conversing in chinese. to get ready for oral. yeah!

then we played ard with my makeup. ahah. destroyed each other's faces. i was the first! =( i didnt resist. lol. they just happily used my liqiud eyeliner to draw dumb stuff on my face. was shocked when i saw myself. lol. joce was next. freaking hilarious, really. wrote the word loser on her cheek using my eyeliner stick HAHA. and nic drew a scar. LOL. drew a couple of big fat MOLES. LOLOLOL. and coloured her face. nic had to hide behind my bed to LAUGH. hahaha. then nic's turn. LOL. drew two big sperms on her face. AHHAHHA. funny. and coloured somemore. then they did mine agn, i struggled like hell. could tell they wanted revenge. HAHA. so i squirmed like hell. didnt work. so the conclusion? our faces were as gross as ever. LOLOLLL. washed them off after taking manymany pics.then had a photoshoot agn. it's different this time. funner. yay. hahahahha, retarded too. instead of the usual smiling and shit. hahah. they left at 5plus.

OHOH you know for chinese, we have to write a stupid compo abt this whoever the hell called UNLUCKY EGG. so me and nic creatively crafted this story the unlucky egg made a new friend called lucky child. THE NAMES WERE GIVEN OKAY. haha. so our story goes like this. HAHA. unlucky egg got lucky cos he had lucky child as his friend. so he THOUGHT he has a streak of good luck. haha it's really lame.
usually:
1. it always rains every morning and he'll get soaked. before he opens his umbrella it'll fly away.
2. he got to eat half a slice of mouldy bread.
3. he could only find twosocks to wear. cant find shoes.
4. omg, okay this is gross. he would step on pig's shit everyday. splatter all over him cos he'll skid. HAHA.

NOW:
1. it still rains, but he manages to open his umbrella then it flys away. HAHA. he was happy alr, cos at least he could open it.
2. he got to eat TWO slices of mouldy bread. he thinks, YAY, more food the better. hahahhaha.
3. he not only found two socks, but also, A SHOE!! hahahah. so he left the hse with one shoe and two socks.
4. he stepped on a piglet's shit. PLUS it didnt splatter into his eyes. he was ECSTATIC. LOL.

then had to pass up before we could write anymore. LOL. omg, we were laughing like maniacs, it was freaking hilarious, LOLLLLL. nic had to squat to laugh. HHAHAHAH. omg. PLUS it looked funnier in CHINESE. hm. my first compo i enjoyed writing. =D

but i've been waiting so long.. plus HERS is just an on-off thing. it just doesnt seem fair. ohman. i wish i could be more daring. maybe it wont be this bad. and i lack initiative. when ppl ask me why dont i do it instead, my reply'll be, "i dont dare." WTH? wtfh is up with me? i HATE being so,.. so freaking shy and self-concious, and thin-skinned and whatever-the-hell. i KNOW it doesnt have to be like this. UGH. even if it DOES happen, it's once in a while. unlike last year, when it was EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. it's pointless to even be here alr, when i KNOW it aint gonna happen. =((

i love this song so much omg! =)

DREAMING OF YOU -selena
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

Cuz I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Ahhh...I can't stop dreaming of you
Ahhh...I can't stop dreamin

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
And said, "I love you; I love you too"

Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Till tomorrow, and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming with you endlessly...

i think it means a lot. =)))

funny how my mood changes, so quickly, when i hear stuffs.

ohno.

that fluttery feeling came back.

i'm nervous for dramatization. =\

during dinner with my family just now, i told my parents that story joan told me last year abt this guy and the mum with only one eye. then we were talking abt it, and i ask, "If you guys suddenly one day become retarded or abnormal, do you think i'll be embarrassed of you? do you think i'll still take care of you?" then my dad was saying that he had confidence in me and my bro. hmm. =)

gahhh, SHIT that feeling just came back. i've gotta stop thinking alr.

i'm replaying no me ames over and over agn. =) i love that song.

When I see you smile
I know everything's OK
When I hear you laugh
It's always a brighter day
Gonna do my best
Forget the rest
As long as your with me
I'll be alright

It's a beautiful day
yeah, yeah
Such a beautiful day
yeah, yeah
Such a beautiful day...

love this song. grace just sent to me. it's from summerland. zac efron starred in it.
stupid feelings.

damn it. i feel so.. i dunno. UGH. watched this movie ytd on hallmark channel. abt this homeless girl who went to harvard. it's kinda inspirational. like how she doesnt pity herself, and just keeps trying to achieve her goal. hm.

i'm stoning in front of my com now. ugh. this is stupid. sivhsobhospihbso
ugh, i dont want to go to sch tmr. i dont want!! ahhhh. i have like ZERO mood to do anything. ugh.

i keep staring at THAT, praying so hard for STH to happen. HAH! who am i kidding?! not me. not you. not anyone. i'm fucking dumb.
god. this is unbelieveable.
almost one fucking year.

you know what? just now at tuition, my teacher did the general knowledge quiz agn. this new guy set a question which had sth to do with one of einstein's theories. sth abt if you travel at the speed of light, you'll go back in time. LOL then i got so excited. i want!!!=( if only there's this machine that brings us back in time.

saving all my love for you.
err?! wtfh. you dont have to feel that way, you've alr got it! what more do you want man?
i think there's amath ca next week. i went through the tb. and i realised i for the first part abt functions. ohman. i really dont get it. =\

i need you here to wipe away my tears
to kiss away my fears.
i wanna run to you.
would you hold me in your arms,
keep me safe and warm?